Hi. *waves*

Anyone still check this blog their spam folders for slightly clever and/or interesting entries? I do. Though the pickings have been lean of late, I did get this one today.

Dear vermax,

I don’t know what to say, mostly because I remember so little from my high school Russian classes. Guess all I can tell you is “вот он Ёжик.”^*

I’m Radioactive Jam and I approve this message.

^* Translation: “Here is the hedgehog.”^†
† Possibly.

Are the spammers winning in your battlefields? They seem to be doing so in mine.

I have a friend - an older lady - who has one of the worst email-inbox spam problems I’ve ever seen. She’s used the same email address for close to a decade; not extraordinary by any means but she doesn’t want to change, and I don’t blame her. It’s not just a matter of convenience for her, either: she has her email address printed on business cards and letterhead, and has circulated the address among a large, established customer base. Change would be expensive, and there’s almost no way she could be sure she notified all her existing contacts.

Her internet “service” provider does no email spam filtering whatsoever. Instead they offer something called Mail-Block, which is a srsly unfeiendly and ridiculously draconian white-list “solution.” My friend gets frustrated and lost every time she tries to navigate that system to un-block incoming email. She’s daunted and dismayed by the so-called feature; I merely hate it.

I see no way to resolve her problem other than to start a new email account, preferably something with built-in aggressive and effective spam management like gmail.

Any ideas from you, my fellow warriors?

The scammers always write…

From Linda Kayoma [lindakayoma@yahoo.fr]
Dearest One,
Permit me to inform you of my desire of going into business relationship with you. We are quite aware that our message will come to you as a surprise because it is indeed very strange for someone who you have not met before to contact you in this regard.

Hi Linda! No, not strange; happens all the time, actually. *ahem*

I am Ms. Linda and Jerry Kayoma, the son of late Chief and Mrs. Williams Konate. Our father was a very wealthy Cocoa merchant in Abidjan, the Economic capital of Ivory Coast, our father was poisoned to death by his business associates on one of their outings on a business trip. Our mother died through cancer of the breast, then we were babies and since then our father took us so special.

That’s horrible, Linda. I– wait. What?! Say that first part again.

I am Ms. Linda and Jerry Kayoma, the son of late Chief and Mrs. Williams Konate.

I am Ms. Linda. Singular, fine. But you’re also Linda and Jerry, the son of some dead Chief and Mrs.? Is that singular and plural? Are you two people, joined at the spam-bone? Or all of the above? You’re losing me, LindaJerry Dearest One.

bla bla bla Please, we are willing to offer you 15% of the total sum bla bla bla Pls. I will be happy to have you as my guardians.

We, plural. Then I, singular. And finally me, singular, as your guardians, plural.

This is the part where my head explodes. *Poom!*

Okay that’s enough stupid scam-spam for now, yes? Let’s move along to something radioactive and tasty: Mutant, a fine song from the recently discovered Radioactive Chicken Heads. You’ll find this song and many others available here for your listening and downloading pleasure. Enjoy.

Is it just me, or have you also found tasty tunes whilst looking for something else?

Every now and then spammers write something so riveting,* so mind-bogglingly incomprehensible profound, I almost dry myself in excitement. For example, consider this recent drivel rivet* from allextoyot.

More shortly, have made to me the car, it became much more pleasant, but thus there was other reality. Once having felt the racer I have burnt a cursor, and itself have not understood as?
Bay-bay…

I think it’s trying to say something, trying to… I don’t know, communicate with me. You know like when you tune your TV to an off-air station and see static, and if you stare long enough or are really tired or have taken the right drugs you start to see words and pictures forming in the electromagnetic noise? It’s kind of like that, only the static makes more sense.

Long live other reality!

Dear Alextwit,

Strangely enough, I know exactly what you mean.

Bay-bay,
Radioactive Jam

* In this context, rivet and riveting mean “large cylindrical chunks of metal pounded through your skull and into your brain.” But I’m sure you understood as, yes?

The spammers always write…

“Unreal stuff?” I think this one actually gets me. Whee! Kind of, ha-ha, uncanny for a spammer, don’t you think?

* * * * *

Dear HonestSpam,

Thank you for your critique. You are of course 100% correct: this “unreal stuff” - this website - does indeed cause spammers to experience headaches. Also uncontrollable flatulence, narcolepsy (accompanied by paralysis and hallucinations), high fever, incontinence, irritable bowel syndrome, malaria, minimal brain dysfunction, and with any luck, suicidal tendencies.

Not bad for a Zzzz-list blog, eh? Stop back anytime.

Sincerely,
Radioactive Jam

Email from service@irs.gov, subject “Tax Refund.”

There are at least three things wrong with this email, three things that jump out at me, wave their hokey-looking robot arms and shout “Danger! Danger! Warning! Warning! Destroy! Destroy!”

Can you spot the scam & swindle flags I noticed?

I’ll give you a hint: it’s not the “eligible to receive a tax refund” part. The IRS has been known to notify taxpayers of overpayment. It’s a rare thing, sure, but it does happen. And for the sake of this exercise we’ll assume no obvious flaws such as a hyperlink to some actively scripted and most likely malicious web page at say, for example, texaswakeboarders.com.†

What do you think, my feiends? What’s wrong with this picture?

* Not a typo. In case you were, you know. Wondering.
† Windows / Internet Explorer users - don’t go poking around there. Unless of course you *want* your PC infected with who knows what kind of malware.

I found this little gem in my inbox:

“If I told you what happened to me your not going to ever believe it but here goes: I am 7 inches big!”
Ben, USA*

I’m sure there are many ways I could make fun of respond to this one, but I’m coming up short in the ideas department.

This is where you come in, my feiends. What might we say to Big! Ben, to cut him down to size help this poor little guy? Feel free to leave your suggestions in comments. I might even rustle up a little prize for the biggest laugh(s).

Note: if you’re artisically inclined and/or you have mad Photoshop skillz and want to provide an illustrated response, let me know and I’ll be happy to host/post same.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to put fresh batteries in my electric flyswatter.

* Not an excerpt; that’s the entire message.†
† Okay there was one spam-link at the end. I didn’t include it here because it seemed… insignificant.‡
‡ If you didn’t see that coming, shame on you.

Attention spammers:

[hand wave]

You don’t need to see my identification url.

[hand wave]

These aren’t the blogs you’re looking for.

[hand wave]

We can go about our business.

[hand wave]

Move along.

* One of the best things about a bowl of chicken soup: it might not help, but it couldn’t hurt.

Ref. this tasty pseudo-spam found in today’s gmail inbox:

Impress Your Boss - National Boss Day at CoffeeCakes.com

In case you’re not sure, an Overlord is indeed a form of boss. Please remember to exceed my expectations.

Fresh baked spam-scam email from yet another 19-year-old female in distress with - surprise! a Nigerian big money connection.

Speaking of SPAM, blog feiend Luisa Perkins sent this picture to me. SPAM by the slice? Yum!

Sharing it with you is almost the least I could do.

Where was I? Right, getting scammed.

PLEASE BE MY FUND MANAGER
“Miss.Cinthia Murray.” [cinthia_murray@sify.com]
Greetings in the Name of God.

*sigh*

I actually got your email address on the Internet and decided to inform you of my desire of going into a business relationship with you.I am Miss.Cinthia Murray, 19 years of age, the only daughter (Adopted) of late Mr. and Mrs.Frank Murray.

Yes I regularly post my email address in the ever popular Seeking Business Relationships With Complete Strangers forums. That must be where you found me.

He was formally a director with Kobe Steel Corporation company, a Japanese company that constructed the Liquidized Natural Gas Company in Elene -River state Nigeria, before they died in the bell view Air crash in Oct.2005.

So… what was he informally? Ha-ha! I am kidding of course. But I have great news for you, Miss.Cinthia: your adoptive parents weren’t on that plane when it crashed. Isn’t that exciting? They’re still alive! Although this does raise certain questions such as why do they want you to think they’re dead…

My late Dad deposited a sum of $850,000,00 (Eight Hundred and Fifty Thousand united states dollars) with one of the leading Bank in Nigeria and he used my name as the next of kin in depositing the fund.

Awesome! Use the money to hire detectives to find your parents. Spare no expense! Etc.

My Late Dad family never liked me because I’m not my Dad’s biological daughter.Now that my parents are no longer alive, they are trying to get rid of me due to the fact that my Late Dad willed everything he had in my name. Ever since my parents died i have been a fugitive in my father’s house.

A fugitive in your father’s house? For two years?! Must be a really big house. Or maybe the ol’ fam is just mind-bogglingly bad at playing hide and seek. Either way, “sucks to be you.”

However, my late Dad’s Lawyer has promised to assist me in transferring the Funds to any country of my choice, after i might have gotten someone who has agreed to be my Fund Manager in that country.Also, That i might relocate to his or her place after the money is been transfered.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I think your dad’s lawyer is scamming you, and probably doing so per your father’s instructions. Let me guess: having you relocate to another country was his lawyer’s idea, right? Yeah. “Call it a hunch.” — Igor.

If you are willing to assist me in transferring the funds, Hit back at me through this email [cinthia_murray@sify.com]

Miss.Cinthia, believe me when I say there is nothing in the world I’d rather do than hit back at you, through email or pretty much any other means.

Please consider this post - this mockery of you and your stupid, greedy, parasitic scam - as my way of hitting back.

Stupid, lazy, greedy parasite.

* * * * *

For Teh Google’s crawler and anyone else who’s unbalanced interested enough to care, here’s the whole scammy enchilada. Enjoy.

******* begin scam transmission *******
PLEASE BE MY FUND MANAGER
“Miss.Cinthia Murray.” [cinthia_murray@sify.com]
Sep 27 (1 day ago)

Greetings in the Name of God. I actually got your email address on the Internet and decided to inform you of my desire of going into a business relationship with you.I am Miss.Cinthia Murray, 19 years of age, the only daughter (Adopted) of late Mr. and Mrs.Frank Murray. He was formally a director with Kobe Steel Corporation company, a Japanese company that constructed the Liquidized Natural Gas Company in Elene -River state Nigeria, before they died in the bell view Air crash in Oct.2005.

My late Dad deposited a sum of $850,000,00 (Eight Hundred and Fifty Thousand united states dollars) with one of the leading Bank in Nigeria and he used my name as the next of kin in depositing the fund.

My Late Dad family never liked me because I’m not my Dad’s biological daughter.Now that my parents are no longer alive, they are trying to get rid of me due to the fact that my Late Dad willed everything he had in my name. Ever since my parents died i have been a fugitive in my father’s house.

However, my late Dad’s Lawyer has promised to assist me in transferring the Funds to any country of my choice, after i might have gotten someone who has agreed to be my Fund Manager in that country.Also, That i might relocate to his or her place after the money is been transfered.

In view of this, i humbly seek for your assistance to enable me transfer the fund and also to serve as my fund Manager.

If you are willing to assist me in transferring the funds, Hit back at me through this email [cinthia_murray@sify.com] and also send me your full name/complete mailing address and your direct telephone/Fax Numbers as my late Dad’s Lawyer would need it for faster communication medium to facilitate the transfer.

However, I’m ready to offer you 15% of the total sum as compensation for your effort/input after the successful transfer of this money to your account overseas.

Furthermore, I believe that this transaction would be concluded within seven (7) working days, if you signify your interest to assist me. Your soonest response is anticipated, Thanks for your anticipated co-operation.

Miss.Cinthia Murray
******* end scam transmission *******